Blogging about life, change, and coming into my own through mindfulness, inspiration, and crafting. I am a tattooed, nerdy bookworm on a path of self-discovery as I face the should's and must's of life.
I was so mad I was practically shaking. I was fuming! Maneuvering schedules to make appointments is not easy for many people and I am no exception. Being stood up twice for scheduled meetings is just unheard of! After stomping back across the campus, pouting the whole way, I was in no better a mood. The black cloud above my head was growing with no signs of a break. A coworker happened by, saw my obviously angered face and asked out of care and concern what was wrong. I unleashed a torrent of venom and outrage that left me panting and left her shocked and aghast. What was worse was that I did not feel any better about my situation and felt terrible for dumping it on someone else. Usually shared burdens create 1/2 the weight & shared joy creates double the happiness, but in this case it didn't. She talked with me a while and helped me think about it and talk it all out just to get it out of my system, but I knew it wasn't a good situation for her. She walked away for a bit and when she came back through I apologized. It wasn't that I was out of line, but more that I didn't see that it helped either of us to be so mean about the situation. I felt that my conduct was unhealthy and unproductive when we're usually pretty good about lifting each other up. After apologizing I realized, my negativity about an uncontrollable situation had inadvertently hurt someone else and done nothing to ameliorate my problem. That understanding was the first time that I was actually seeing where I had strayed from the meditative, calming path I have been fostering in my life. I made a choice to behave as I did and it was not the best option available to me. Life is really just about looking out for the lessons that come our way. Meditation, religion, reflection: none of them work if you don't work them even in your most trying of times. What is a situation that you faced that could have gone a better way based on your choices?
As cliche as it may sound, RENT is one of my all-time favorite stage shows. I found it via the 2005 movie and fell in love. I met my husband doing drama in high school, so we fully support the arts whenever possible. For our 7th anniversary, he took me to see a live performance and while he liked the movie, the live show gave him the good kind of chills.
"No day but today" is a refrain from one of the core songs talking about why a couple should even try because there was no way it was ever going to work out. One character was arguing that they should give up before starting and the other was arguing that we only get this one chance in life, so why not risk it? I've always loved that idea but struggled to put it into action in my own life. I've gotten so caught up in working a job I'm decent at but don't enjoy, to pay bills that need to be taken care of, for things that I rarely get to enjoy. How much of a disappoint I am in comparison with my ideal. How did I get here? The same way everyone else did. I stopped dreaming as much, stopped being fearless, and stopped pursuing what I mattered to nourish my soul. As disappointing as this sounds, don't lose hope. There is a way out! Starting where you are, a little at a time is all is takes to make a difference in your life. Nowhere but here. That's all that you have and where you are. Life isn't about making sweeping changes. The best and most effective changes happen incrementally, over time, at the right pace for a reason. They are sustainable and too important to rush through. This is what I am focusing on now. My meditation app helps me focus on being present while I begin my search for my passion. I have so many things running around in my brain that are "cool" or "fun" but I'm not passionate about. I'm trying to hone in on that inner voice and work on starting where I am.
It's been over a year since I last posted on my book review blog. As a matter of fact, it's closer to two years. Time has gotten away from me and I've lost myself. Not just in work and school, but I feel like I have lost my way in life. It's not the existential crisis it sounds like. It's more of a nagging sensation at the back of my mind that says I am not quite where or who I need to be. This blog is going to help me see my path a bit more clearly. It's going to be heartfelt & brutally honest because this life does not leave us with many other options. Currently I am inspired by One Minute Mindfulness by Donald Altman & The Crossroads of Should & Must by Elle Luna. I have so many more books at home that are helping me work through myself, but right now these two are the most profound. They are telling me the facts & truths that I have been working so hard to ignore or avoid. I turn 30 in 298 days. It's not crucial or life-changing to be honest. It sounds daunting and yet I look forward to it. I have 298 days to start working towards a better me. A happier me. A healthier me. One that is ready to keep working at life. The struggle is what reminds us that we are still here and that there is still time.
